


Compartmentalize

by thetruecaptain



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Drabble, Season 3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-17 00:39:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruecaptain/pseuds/thetruecaptain
Summary: Naomi's thoughts in the aftermath of Drummer's order to fire on the Rocinante.





	Compartmentalize

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks @jamesholden for the feedback before I posted!

The thoughts come in snatches while she works, sneaking in among calculations and troubleshooting procedures. **  
**

_‘If you killed them-’_

Her hands don’t pause, her expression doesn’t falter. There’s no outward sign of the panic and fear that presses at the corners of her mind.  _Chief Engineer Naomi Nagata_  is, as always, efficient. Power failures throughout the ship, hundreds of lives on her head if she wavers. She won’t. This is bigger than her. Bigger than…

_‘Hate me later, work now.’_

Alex blushed the first time she complimented his piloting skills. Looked surprised, as if he hadn’t earned every word and more. She’s never met anyone who loves what they do as much as her Martian pilot. He was the first to reach out after everything. The first to forgive her. She never told him how much it meant to her. Will she never hear that affected Texan drawl again?

She moves to the main console in the engineering room, starts up the diagnostics. Her fingers move deftly over the screen, her eyes take in the data that scrolls up the display. The surges seem to be originating from the same point. If she can isolate that sector, she can minimize the damage throughout the power grid.

_‘I’m sorry. If I killed them... I’m sorry.’_

Naomi trusted Amos almost from the moment they met. She isn’t sure what it was, exactly, but she felt as if they shared a mutual understanding without the need for words or explanations. He understands her on a level that few others ever have. Even now, even after everything. He may be an Earther and she a Belter but they’re from the same world. They’ve known the same darkness. She never told him how sorry she is for hurting him, for making him doubt her. Never took the time to explain why she didn’t tell him about the sample. She hadn’t wanted to make him implicit in her actions, hadn’t wanted to put him in the position of choosing between her and his Captain. Naomi’s actions are her own. Naomi’s  _guilt_  is her own. She knows now that she chose wrong. Not what she did but  _how_. She never told Amos that, either - that she knows she should have trusted him.

She focuses on the map of the power grid displayed over the console, hones in on the section highlighted in red. Her fingers move quickly, tapping out commands that come as naturally and easily to her as breathing. Firing that pashang weapon was a goddamn mistake for more reasons than one. The  _Behemoth_  was never meant to be a warship. To think that Naomi was proud to be on the retrofit team, was proud to be part of the mission that would guide the Belt into the future as a nation equal to the Inners. There’s no pride in her, now. She was a fool to think that the Belt would be any different than the Earthers and the Martians that have marginalized them for so many generations.

_‘You know Holden isn’t capable of this!’_

It took her longer to understand Holden than the others. She hated him a little the first time she met him. In many ways he’d reminded her so strongly of the man she’d nearly died to escape. He was charming, charismatic, idealistic. She’d been skeptical of him, even after the  _Canterbury_. It wasn’t until he’d risked his life coming back for a crew he barely knew that Naomi saw him for who he really was. Even then she’d been hesitant to let him in, had clung to the numbness that she’d wrapped around herself like a protective wall for so many years. But with James Holden as her captain it was impossible not to feel. Impossible not to  _care_.

“Chief Engineer Nagata.” Drummer’s voice crackles over the engineering room comms, accented and crisp. Once the sound of it brought warmth to Naomi’s eyes, but now there is only numbness and bitter disappointment.

“Ya?” Her answer is short, clipped. There’s a pause and then, “You’re needed on the CIC.” Naomi presses her lips together. “Roger that. Give me ten, I’ve almost got this problem isolated.” A grunt of agreement is her only answer.

On some level Naomi understands the difficulty of Camina’s position, but still she can’t forgive her. Not now. Naomi might not have always agreed with Holden, but she respected that he did what he believed was right regardless of who was shouting threats at him. Even when Holden was trapped between a rock and a hard place he’d find a way. More importantly, he took the time to  _try_. She knows with absolute certainty that the transmission is a fake, and if Camina had given her the t _ime_ , Naomi could have proven it.

Instead, Drummer let Ashford shout her into submission. Had Naomi physically removed from the Command deck. Let those pashangwala shove her to her knees and  _hold a gun to her head_  while Drummer ordered the  _Behemoth_  to fire on Naomi’s old crew.

Her family.

Naomi swallows over the hard lump in her throat, tries to breathe past the tightness in her chest. The display flashes a message of success. The surges have been isolated, the other sectors are no longer at risk.

_‘Are you saying you regret it? Everything we’ve done since the Canterbury?’  
‘No... Yes, but only because I don’t get to spend more time with you.’_

The rush of fear and grief that hits her is so sudden that it takes her breath away. Naomi reaches out to grab a nearby handhold to steady herself, closes her eyes and breathes slowly through her nose. She’s never told Jim how much she loves him. Those words don’t come easily to her precisely because of how easily they seem to come to everyone else. How easily they can be used to manipulate and do harm. It isn’t something she wants to fall prey to again, and certainly isn’t something she ever wants to be guilty of. So she held back. Thought it was better to show him. Then the sample happened, and she knows how deeply it hurt him. Not that she lied, but that she didn’t trust him. She didn’t say it even after Io. Instead they made love one last time and then she left.

Did Jim die not knowing how much he means to her?

 _No._  They’re not dead until the proof is right in front of her face. There was no indication of an explosion in the backscatter. The torpedo might not have detonated. They escaped through the Ring. Her crew might still be alive. There’s a chance, and until there isn’t Naomi won’t allow these dark thoughts to take root.

Straightening, Chief Engineer Nagata squares her shoulders and lifts her chin. There’s still work to do.


End file.
